There I was crossing the pond and you could say that I wasn't exactly fond of all the s*** I was wearing on that day
Now the F-16 is cramped enough but it's even worse with all that stuff supposed to save your life but we knew there was no way
'Cause when you're going down in the North Atlantic man it's over
Now about 4 hours into the flight I got a little nervous 'cause it was still night and I'm on the wing of the tanker man - and I gotta p***
So I started f****** with the jaws of death and before I knew it I was out of breath - p***** off and cursing and saying to hell with this
And I seriously considered just p****** my pants
I finally got the fly undone and I knew the next part would be twice as fun trying to get the gopher to pop on out of his hole
So I thought real hard about naked chicks, l******s and p**** flicks but none of that worked 'cause he knew that water was d*** cold
I cursed my daddy's name for making me half Polish
I knew that I would need a little help to keep from p****** all over myself and if I held it any longer I'd give myself cancer
So in my hour of great despair I offered up a simple prayer to Jesus hoping that he might answer
And to paraphrase a bit this is what I said
Dear Lord won't you give me a 12 inch p****
Just for an hour or two
I'm stuck in the trenches and I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through
Now my faith was strong but my strength was lacking and I didn't have much time for this miracle to happen so I thought the best thing to do was just help it along
So I started to pull and it started to pinch and I thought I might have squeezed out an extra inch but that sucker was wedged in tighter than your grandma's thong
I'm sorry folks that was completely uncalled for
So I choked that f***** like a serial killer - made me think about that movie - you know, the one with Ben Stiller where the dude in the back was yelling, "He was masturbating!"
With the other hand I reached for the bag and I tried to take aim but it was just a wag and I knew my chances of success they were quickly fading
And at this point I knew it would take an act of desperation
Now it was too much to hope that I could get it to dangle - Hell the best I could do was a ninety degree angle and hook shot that sonafabitch like Doctor J
Now I never really thought about what was ensuing 'til I realized I couldn't see what the f*** I was doing and I paused for a second and I began to pray
Dear Lord, you gotta give me this one
Repeat Chorus
Now just about the time I started to go ol' mister winky he started to grow and before I knew it he was at least a foot long
Now up in heaven God got quite a laugh 'cause it kept on going past a foot and a half and before I knew it I was holding a 2 foot s******
Now I know what you're thinking - what the hell is he going to do with that
That was pretty much the end of my woes since now I had a Johnson like a fire hose and in fact my whole problem was completely defused
Now what I did next you might think sleazy but at this point p****** was just too easy and my newfound powers - they just had to be used
You know, for fighting the forces of evil and s***
So when it was my turn to refuel I thought it would be pretty f****** cool if I did the whole thing with my hands behind my back
Now you might think that was the ultimate test but the hardest part was really the ILS 'cause I thought about your mom and I ended up well off track
Yeah slightly above glide slope and climbing
Now after I landed - that was the trick 'cause what the hell do you do with two feet of d*** but it didn't matter much 'cause the Lord he came to relieve me
When I tried to put it all back in the cup it looked like my two hours were up and I thought to myself, "Who the hell will believe me?"
You can bet for d*** sure it ain't going to be my wife
Repeat Chorus
Now the F-16 is cramped enough but it's even worse with all that stuff supposed to save your life but we knew there was no way
'Cause when you're going down in the North Atlantic man it's over
Now about 4 hours into the flight I got a little nervous 'cause it was still night and I'm on the wing of the tanker man - and I gotta p***
So I started f****** with the jaws of death and before I knew it I was out of breath - p***** off and cursing and saying to hell with this
And I seriously considered just p****** my pants
I finally got the fly undone and I knew the next part would be twice as fun trying to get the gopher to pop on out of his hole
So I thought real hard about naked chicks, l******s and p**** flicks but none of that worked 'cause he knew that water was d*** cold
I cursed my daddy's name for making me half Polish
I knew that I would need a little help to keep from p****** all over myself and if I held it any longer I'd give myself cancer
So in my hour of great despair I offered up a simple prayer to Jesus hoping that he might answer
And to paraphrase a bit this is what I said
Dear Lord won't you give me a 12 inch p****
Just for an hour or two
I'm stuck in the trenches and I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through
Now my faith was strong but my strength was lacking and I didn't have much time for this miracle to happen so I thought the best thing to do was just help it along
So I started to pull and it started to pinch and I thought I might have squeezed out an extra inch but that sucker was wedged in tighter than your grandma's thong
I'm sorry folks that was completely uncalled for
So I choked that f***** like a serial killer - made me think about that movie - you know, the one with Ben Stiller where the dude in the back was yelling, "He was masturbating!"
With the other hand I reached for the bag and I tried to take aim but it was just a wag and I knew my chances of success they were quickly fading
And at this point I knew it would take an act of desperation
Now it was too much to hope that I could get it to dangle - Hell the best I could do was a ninety degree angle and hook shot that sonafabitch like Doctor J
Now I never really thought about what was ensuing 'til I realized I couldn't see what the f*** I was doing and I paused for a second and I began to pray
Dear Lord, you gotta give me this one
Repeat Chorus
Now just about the time I started to go ol' mister winky he started to grow and before I knew it he was at least a foot long
Now up in heaven God got quite a laugh 'cause it kept on going past a foot and a half and before I knew it I was holding a 2 foot s******
Now I know what you're thinking - what the hell is he going to do with that
That was pretty much the end of my woes since now I had a Johnson like a fire hose and in fact my whole problem was completely defused
Now what I did next you might think sleazy but at this point p****** was just too easy and my newfound powers - they just had to be used
You know, for fighting the forces of evil and s***
So when it was my turn to refuel I thought it would be pretty f****** cool if I did the whole thing with my hands behind my back
Now you might think that was the ultimate test but the hardest part was really the ILS 'cause I thought about your mom and I ended up well off track
Yeah slightly above glide slope and climbing
Now after I landed - that was the trick 'cause what the hell do you do with two feet of d*** but it didn't matter much 'cause the Lord he came to relieve me
When I tried to put it all back in the cup it looked like my two hours were up and I thought to myself, "Who the hell will believe me?"
You can bet for d*** sure it ain't going to be my wife
Repeat Chorus