Could You Use Me? Lyrics

Have some pity on an easterner
Show a little sympathy
No one possibly could be sterner
Than you have been with me.
There's a job that I'm applying for
Let me put it to you thus:
It's a partnership I'm dying for -
Mr. and Mrs. Us.

Now before you file it on the shelf
Let me tell you of myself.

Oh, I'm the chappie to make you happy,
I'll tie your shoesies and chase your bluesies.
Oh, lady would you
Oh, lady could you use me?

Now I'd shake the matt out and put the cat out,
I'd clean the garret and feed the parrot.
Oh, lady would you,
Oh, tell me, could you use me?

Do you realize what a good man you're getting in me?
I'm no Elk or Mason or Woodman who gets home at three.
The girls who see me grow soft and dreamy,
But I'm a gander who won't philander.
Oh, could you use me,
Cuz I certainly could use you.

There's a chap I know in Mexico
Who's as strong as he can be -
Eating nails and drinking Texaco,
He is the type for me.

There is one in California
More romantic, far, than you.
When he sings Ha Cha Chachoronia,
I often think he'll do.

But as for you sir, I'm afraid
You will never make the grade.
For you're no cowboy, you're soft, and how, boy!
I feel no muscle that's fit for tussle
I must refuse you, I cannot use you!
'Scuse me!

No night life for you, the birds would bore you,
The cows won't know you, a horse would throw you.
You silly many, you, to ask me, "Can you use me?"

Though at love you may be a wizard,
I'm wanting to know -
Could you warm me up in a blizard,
Say forty below?

Your ties are freakish, your knees are weakish,
You're not a sender, you elbow bender,
Though you can use me,
I most certainly can't use you!