The first time I ate avocado was so amazing that I came
And that was the first time that I came so the only thing I could compare it to is the taste of avocado. Pretty much the same
The first time I got high, I ran into my friend's bedroom and I hung onto each corner of the mattress because I knew that I would be flung into s***e if I didn't hold tight
Two years before that I went to my first concert. I was high all night. And the first time someone clapped for me on stage I floated three inches off the pavement walking home
Only one girl has ever really wrapped my stomach into pretzels. She didn't give me b***erflies. She gave me pterodactyls
I'm talking terrible internal bruising and the first time I kissed her was like the first time I saw fireworks, which was like the sky first kissing me in the eyeballs
In high school the self-defense counselor taught us that to defend ourselves against a rapist, by sticking a thumb into the corner of his eye socket and popping it out like a grape
Babe, for the chance to be with you, I would pop my own eyeballs out and say, "Here. I only have eyes for you."
So everywhere you went you'd carry me around in your pocket and every time you pulled out a handful of loose change I'd get to wink at you and a thousand miles away you would think of how charming I am- me- weaving blindly through LA traffic. You- in some bullshit other place
But you shouldn't leave first times until the end of summer
Because you went off to college, years passed, and I realized I was the only one calling anymore
And that first kiss hardened into the last. My love : r*****ed, preserved, a pterodactyl in a tar pit, the music over before it started, a lost guitar pick
I've stopped trying to match it, searching for that magical attachment
Because marriages are not f****** Disney
Bad marriages are sandcastles
Good marriages are McDonald's hamburgers
You can leave a good marriage on a plate in the sun for fifty years and it stays pretty much the same
They key, I hear, is to fight routine- to make the smallest moments gleam and mean something
And if you ever feel yourself fading, face paint your old and aging creased-up cheeks gold-plated with a jar of first-time and if you need a youthful spruce-up just grab a tube of that new juice and lube up and if you're hurting just rub the good stuff where you're burning
But a word of warning
The first time tends to make the bad times worse
There's the rub
It doesn't make things better, just louder
It amplifies a murmur ... er-er
Great is greater. Greater is greaterer. And broke ...is broker. Bone... is b****
It's not a perfect formula
But the first time that I kissed you, the door of your c***py Civic already half-open, you said "I'm glad you did that."
And I have a feeling that, for you, it wasn't a first-time
It was a "this one time."
But I will remember that moment for the rest of my life, even if I have to arm wrestle Alzheimer's for it
And if I ever get a chance to kiss you again, you know, a second time, I'm gonna stick my tongue out and lick you right across your face. Because I've already kissed you. But I never licked you
And you'll say, "Ugh. Why did you do that?" And I'll say, "Hey s**y. Did someone slap you across the face with a banana slug or is that a big shiny trail of first-time on your cheek. Maybe we can go back to my place and gets some first-time on the sheets."
It's worth it
After all, there's nothing like the first time
The first time's always perfect
And that was the first time that I came so the only thing I could compare it to is the taste of avocado. Pretty much the same
The first time I got high, I ran into my friend's bedroom and I hung onto each corner of the mattress because I knew that I would be flung into s***e if I didn't hold tight
Two years before that I went to my first concert. I was high all night. And the first time someone clapped for me on stage I floated three inches off the pavement walking home
Only one girl has ever really wrapped my stomach into pretzels. She didn't give me b***erflies. She gave me pterodactyls
I'm talking terrible internal bruising and the first time I kissed her was like the first time I saw fireworks, which was like the sky first kissing me in the eyeballs
In high school the self-defense counselor taught us that to defend ourselves against a rapist, by sticking a thumb into the corner of his eye socket and popping it out like a grape
Babe, for the chance to be with you, I would pop my own eyeballs out and say, "Here. I only have eyes for you."
So everywhere you went you'd carry me around in your pocket and every time you pulled out a handful of loose change I'd get to wink at you and a thousand miles away you would think of how charming I am- me- weaving blindly through LA traffic. You- in some bullshit other place
But you shouldn't leave first times until the end of summer
Because you went off to college, years passed, and I realized I was the only one calling anymore
And that first kiss hardened into the last. My love : r*****ed, preserved, a pterodactyl in a tar pit, the music over before it started, a lost guitar pick
I've stopped trying to match it, searching for that magical attachment
Because marriages are not f****** Disney
Bad marriages are sandcastles
Good marriages are McDonald's hamburgers
You can leave a good marriage on a plate in the sun for fifty years and it stays pretty much the same
They key, I hear, is to fight routine- to make the smallest moments gleam and mean something
And if you ever feel yourself fading, face paint your old and aging creased-up cheeks gold-plated with a jar of first-time and if you need a youthful spruce-up just grab a tube of that new juice and lube up and if you're hurting just rub the good stuff where you're burning
But a word of warning
The first time tends to make the bad times worse
There's the rub
It doesn't make things better, just louder
It amplifies a murmur ... er-er
Great is greater. Greater is greaterer. And broke ...is broker. Bone... is b****
It's not a perfect formula
But the first time that I kissed you, the door of your c***py Civic already half-open, you said "I'm glad you did that."
And I have a feeling that, for you, it wasn't a first-time
It was a "this one time."
But I will remember that moment for the rest of my life, even if I have to arm wrestle Alzheimer's for it
And if I ever get a chance to kiss you again, you know, a second time, I'm gonna stick my tongue out and lick you right across your face. Because I've already kissed you. But I never licked you
And you'll say, "Ugh. Why did you do that?" And I'll say, "Hey s**y. Did someone slap you across the face with a banana slug or is that a big shiny trail of first-time on your cheek. Maybe we can go back to my place and gets some first-time on the sheets."
It's worth it
After all, there's nothing like the first time
The first time's always perfect