Scod: Now, this one... I was on my way here and I had a little idea for a love song.
You guys can just, you know, sing backup vocals. You know, watch me for the changes.
Gatesy: Oh.
Yon: Okay.
Scod: I got that from "Back to the Future".
Gatesy: So we just... what do we...
Scod: It's a kind of fifties doo-wop thing.
Yon: Okay.
Gatesy: Okay, so we...
(Scod starts playing)
Yon and Gatesy: (Entering in perfect harmony) Ooooh...
Gatesy: Awww!
Scod: That's good!
Gatesy: I'll tell ya, f*****'... (makes telepathy-type noises).
Yon: Definitely a connection, isn't it?
Gatesy: There is something there, man!
Yon: So, I went...
Yon and Gatesy: Ooooh...
Scod: That's good, that's good.
It's one of those "Monday, Tuesday", "days of the week" type songs.
Scod: Met my baby on a Monday,
Dumped the body on a Tuesday...
Then I went to...
Gatesy: Stop...
A bit extreme, you think?
Scod: Too Christmassy?
Gatesy: No!
No, no, it's just you've left yourself nowhere to go in your little story there.
Yon: Yeah.
Gatesy: Yeah, you know, you've... what are you going to do on, like, Wednesday?
Yon: Yeah?
Scod: Thought I might go to the movies.
Gatesy: So it's not a song about love, it's a song about going to the movies.
Scod: Fine! Song about going to the movies. Fine.
Gatesy: Okay.
Scod: Went to the movies on a Wednesday,
Went to the movies on a Thursday,
Went to the movies on a Friday...
Gatesy: Stop!
Going to the movies a lot, aren't ya?
Scod: Well, I don't really have a girlfriend any more...
Gatesy: Oh, right.
Yon: I've got a good song that would finish the first half well. It's a sort of a ballady thing, it's another love one, so I think it'd really, you know...
Ahh, so, if you could just play something for me ballady...
(Scod starts playing)
Yon: Perfect, yep. And watch me for the changes.
Scod: I've been watching you for changes for ten years...
(Audience "awwww"s)
Gatesy: Oh, f*****' shut up!
He's a little a***hole.
Yon: Her name was Mary-Ann,
She made him feel like a man.
I'm not saying that he felt like a man.
Yon: He didn't want a man, he liked them as friends, but he didn't feel like a man in the same way that you'd feel like having an icy-pole, he didn't... umm...
Oh, it's all right, I know what to do. Can we just start from the top?
Yon: Her name was Nicole,
She made him feel like a hole.
Scod: Feel like a hole?
Yon: It has to rhyme with "Nicole".
Scod: Just use her actual name! We'll find a rhyme for it.
Gatesy: Yeah. What's her real name?
Yon: Magina - hit it!
Gatesy: Umm... I'll do... I've got one for Mary-Ann.
Gatesy: Her name was Mary-Ann,
(Yon does his telepathy trick then joins in)
Yon and Gatesy: She made him feel like a man.
But she didn't even know he existed,
But oh, whenever she walked past,
His heart would stop...
Scod: So he was dead before they even got started,
'Cause his heart had stopped when he caught sight of her.
Gatesy: No!
Scod: It was death at first sight,
They never made it one night...
Gatesy: Stop!
Scod: And the...
Gatesy: He didn't f****** die! All right? He didn't die.
Scod: He said his heart stopped!
Gatesy: Yeah, but...
Scod: What is he, the undead?!
Gatesy: No, no, he's not!
Scod: I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
Gatesy: No, he's not undead.
Scod: Doomed to walk the Earth and be in a s*** song?
Gatesy: That's my f****** life! Now you play the song.
Gatesy: Her name was Mary-Ann,
She had the body of a goddess and the face of an angel.
Every man's desire,
She set his world on fire...
Scod: So they were all dead before they even got started,
'Cause the world had burned up in an incendiary disaster.
Gatesy: Shut up!
Scod: Join in if you know the words!
Scod: Everybody-was-eliminated-in-a-horrible-miasma-of-fire-and-destruction,
Gatesy: Shut the f*** up!
Scod: The-smell-of-burnt-flesh-put-the-kibosh-on-romance...
Gatesy: Shut-the-f***-up!
Scod: What?
Gatesy: Shut-the-f***-up!
Scod: You said that...
Gatesy: Shut-the-f***-up!
Scod: I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, you said the world had caught fire!
Gatesy: It's a metaphor!
I reckon my Mum could beat your Mum in a fight, you know that?
Scod: My Dad could beat your Mum in a fight.
Gatesy: You suck. And so does your Mum.
Scod: Hey, hey, hey!
Say what you like about my Mum... leave me out of it.
Yon: Umm... I reckon I can fix this song up, by the way... the Mary-Ann one?
Gatesy: (Laughing) You?
Yon: Yeah. f*** off.
Yeah, it's a... it's a... just play, and I'll sing, and it'll be good.
Yon: Her name was Mary-Ann,
She was searching for a man.
Her silhouette was unmistakable, she stood out in a crowd,
She had a shapely... head,
And a long flowing... nose.
Tripod: She was hideous,
A walking disaster.
A craggy crone,
A picture of disgust.
Yon and Gatesy: She caught his eye...
Scod: And returned it promptly.
Gatesy: f*** off!
Scod: He was glad that she could catch it,
But they couldn't re-attach it.
He was blinded for all time...
(Pause)
Yon: All right...
Yon: So they lived...
Tripod: ... happilyyyyyyy,
Yon: Because he couldn't...
Tripod: ... seeeeeee,
Yon: That she was so...
Tripod: .... uglyyyyyy!
Yon: I'm glad it wasn't me,
And they lived happily...
Gatesy: Thank you very much!
You guys can just, you know, sing backup vocals. You know, watch me for the changes.
Gatesy: Oh.
Yon: Okay.
Scod: I got that from "Back to the Future".
Gatesy: So we just... what do we...
Scod: It's a kind of fifties doo-wop thing.
Yon: Okay.
Gatesy: Okay, so we...
(Scod starts playing)
Yon and Gatesy: (Entering in perfect harmony) Ooooh...
Gatesy: Awww!
Scod: That's good!
Gatesy: I'll tell ya, f*****'... (makes telepathy-type noises).
Yon: Definitely a connection, isn't it?
Gatesy: There is something there, man!
Yon: So, I went...
Yon and Gatesy: Ooooh...
Scod: That's good, that's good.
It's one of those "Monday, Tuesday", "days of the week" type songs.
Scod: Met my baby on a Monday,
Dumped the body on a Tuesday...
Then I went to...
Gatesy: Stop...
A bit extreme, you think?
Scod: Too Christmassy?
Gatesy: No!
No, no, it's just you've left yourself nowhere to go in your little story there.
Yon: Yeah.
Gatesy: Yeah, you know, you've... what are you going to do on, like, Wednesday?
Yon: Yeah?
Scod: Thought I might go to the movies.
Gatesy: So it's not a song about love, it's a song about going to the movies.
Scod: Fine! Song about going to the movies. Fine.
Gatesy: Okay.
Scod: Went to the movies on a Wednesday,
Went to the movies on a Thursday,
Went to the movies on a Friday...
Gatesy: Stop!
Going to the movies a lot, aren't ya?
Scod: Well, I don't really have a girlfriend any more...
Gatesy: Oh, right.
Yon: I've got a good song that would finish the first half well. It's a sort of a ballady thing, it's another love one, so I think it'd really, you know...
Ahh, so, if you could just play something for me ballady...
(Scod starts playing)
Yon: Perfect, yep. And watch me for the changes.
Scod: I've been watching you for changes for ten years...
(Audience "awwww"s)
Gatesy: Oh, f*****' shut up!
He's a little a***hole.
Yon: Her name was Mary-Ann,
She made him feel like a man.
I'm not saying that he felt like a man.
Yon: He didn't want a man, he liked them as friends, but he didn't feel like a man in the same way that you'd feel like having an icy-pole, he didn't... umm...
Oh, it's all right, I know what to do. Can we just start from the top?
Yon: Her name was Nicole,
She made him feel like a hole.
Scod: Feel like a hole?
Yon: It has to rhyme with "Nicole".
Scod: Just use her actual name! We'll find a rhyme for it.
Gatesy: Yeah. What's her real name?
Yon: Magina - hit it!
Gatesy: Umm... I'll do... I've got one for Mary-Ann.
Gatesy: Her name was Mary-Ann,
(Yon does his telepathy trick then joins in)
Yon and Gatesy: She made him feel like a man.
But she didn't even know he existed,
But oh, whenever she walked past,
His heart would stop...
Scod: So he was dead before they even got started,
'Cause his heart had stopped when he caught sight of her.
Gatesy: No!
Scod: It was death at first sight,
They never made it one night...
Gatesy: Stop!
Scod: And the...
Gatesy: He didn't f****** die! All right? He didn't die.
Scod: He said his heart stopped!
Gatesy: Yeah, but...
Scod: What is he, the undead?!
Gatesy: No, no, he's not!
Scod: I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
Gatesy: No, he's not undead.
Scod: Doomed to walk the Earth and be in a s*** song?
Gatesy: That's my f****** life! Now you play the song.
Gatesy: Her name was Mary-Ann,
She had the body of a goddess and the face of an angel.
Every man's desire,
She set his world on fire...
Scod: So they were all dead before they even got started,
'Cause the world had burned up in an incendiary disaster.
Gatesy: Shut up!
Scod: Join in if you know the words!
Scod: Everybody-was-eliminated-in-a-horrible-miasma-of-fire-and-destruction,
Gatesy: Shut the f*** up!
Scod: The-smell-of-burnt-flesh-put-the-kibosh-on-romance...
Gatesy: Shut-the-f***-up!
Scod: What?
Gatesy: Shut-the-f***-up!
Scod: You said that...
Gatesy: Shut-the-f***-up!
Scod: I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, you said the world had caught fire!
Gatesy: It's a metaphor!
I reckon my Mum could beat your Mum in a fight, you know that?
Scod: My Dad could beat your Mum in a fight.
Gatesy: You suck. And so does your Mum.
Scod: Hey, hey, hey!
Say what you like about my Mum... leave me out of it.
Yon: Umm... I reckon I can fix this song up, by the way... the Mary-Ann one?
Gatesy: (Laughing) You?
Yon: Yeah. f*** off.
Yeah, it's a... it's a... just play, and I'll sing, and it'll be good.
Yon: Her name was Mary-Ann,
She was searching for a man.
Her silhouette was unmistakable, she stood out in a crowd,
She had a shapely... head,
And a long flowing... nose.
Tripod: She was hideous,
A walking disaster.
A craggy crone,
A picture of disgust.
Yon and Gatesy: She caught his eye...
Scod: And returned it promptly.
Gatesy: f*** off!
Scod: He was glad that she could catch it,
But they couldn't re-attach it.
He was blinded for all time...
(Pause)
Yon: All right...
Yon: So they lived...
Tripod: ... happilyyyyyyy,
Yon: Because he couldn't...
Tripod: ... seeeeeee,
Yon: That she was so...
Tripod: .... uglyyyyyy!
Yon: I'm glad it wasn't me,
And they lived happily...
Gatesy: Thank you very much!