Before the pub tonight, I had a Vesta curry.
I've been on the Guinness, I drank 'em in a hurry.
Now I don't feel well, and there's nowhere else to choose,
I'll have to do my business in the pub loos!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
I'd kill for Domestos, or a toilet brush!
The graffiti in here, would make Frankie Boyle blush!
Someone's written, "For a good time, here's a number to call..."
Hang On! THAT'S MY PHONE NUMBER ON THE WALL!!!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
I need to finish, it's more than I can bear!
But it's hard to go, when you're crouchin' in mid-air!
With your trousers round your ankles, it's hard to be discreet!
And I'm gonna have to wipe, with a TESCO's RECEIPT!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
My eyes are streamin', what can I say!?
The conditions are better in Guantanamo Bay!
I need toilet paper, and saving from this hell!
But the Andrex Puppy's fainted, because of the SMELL!!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
I've been on the Guinness, I drank 'em in a hurry.
Now I don't feel well, and there's nowhere else to choose,
I'll have to do my business in the pub loos!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
I'd kill for Domestos, or a toilet brush!
The graffiti in here, would make Frankie Boyle blush!
Someone's written, "For a good time, here's a number to call..."
Hang On! THAT'S MY PHONE NUMBER ON THE WALL!!!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
I need to finish, it's more than I can bear!
But it's hard to go, when you're crouchin' in mid-air!
With your trousers round your ankles, it's hard to be discreet!
And I'm gonna have to wipe, with a TESCO's RECEIPT!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!
My eyes are streamin', what can I say!?
The conditions are better in Guantanamo Bay!
I need toilet paper, and saving from this hell!
But the Andrex Puppy's fainted, because of the SMELL!!
There's no toilet paper!
No toilet seat!
In the next cubicle, there's TWO pairs of feet!
And I hope this is water, covering the floor!
And I'm whistling, 'cos there's NO LOCK ON THE DOOR!