MILES
Stand aside, everyone! I take large steps!
SOLDIERS
One, Two, One, Two . . .
MILES
We not only fought but we won, too!
SOLDIERS
One, Two, One, Two . . .
Left, Right, Left, Right . . .
MILES
There's none of the enemy left, Right?
SOLDIERS
Right! Left! . . . Uh . . . Ri . . . Uh . . . Left!
MILES
Halt!
PSEUDOLUS
Hail, Miles Gloriousus.
Welcome to my house, great captain.
Your bride awaits you.
MILES
My bride!
My bride! My bride!
I've come to claim my bride,
Come tenderly to crush her against my side!
Let haste be made,
I cannot be delayed!
There are lands to conquer,
Cities to loot
And people to degrade!
SOLDIERS
Look at those arms!
Look at that chest!
Look at them!
MILES
Not to mention the rest!
Even I am impressed.
My bride! My bride!
Come bring to me my bride!
My l*** for her no longer can be denied!
Convey the news.
I have no time to lose!
There are towns to plunder,
Temples to burn
And women to abuse!
SOLDIERS
Look at that foot!
Look at that heel!
Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!
MILES
I am my ideal!
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, slaughterer of thousands,
I, oppessor of the meek,
Subduer of the weak,
Degrader of the Greek,
Destroyer of the Turk,
Must hurry back to work!
MILES
COURTESANS
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, Paragon of virtues,
Him, Miles Gloriosus
Him, Paragon of virtues,
SOLDIERS
A man among men!
With sword and with pen!
MILES
I, in war the most admired,
In wit the most inspired,
In love the most desired,
In dress the best displayed,
I am a parade!
ALL
Him!
Him!
Him!
SOLDIERS
Look at those eyes,
Cunning and keen!
Look at the size of those thighs,
Like a mighty machine!
PSEUDOLUS
Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen!
I mean . . .
MILES
My bride! My bride!
Inform my lucky bride:
The fabled arms of Miles are open wide!
Make haste! Make haste!
I have no time to waste!
There are shrines I should be sacking,
Ribs I should be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide!
Bring me my bride!
SOLDIERS
Bring him his bride!
ALL
Brind him his bride!
12.That Dirty Old Man
DOMINA
For over thirty years,
I've cried myself to sleep,
a**ailed by doubts and fears
So great the gods themselves would weep!
The moment I am gone,
I wonder where he'll go.
In all your simple honesty,
You can't begin to know,
Ohhhh . . .
I want him,
I need him.
Where is he?
That dirty old man is here somewhere,
Cavorting with someone young and fair,
Disporting in every shameless whim,
Just wait till I get my hands on him!
I'll hold him,
Enfold him.
Where is he?
That dirty old man,
Where can he be?
Profaning our vows for all to see,
Complaining how he's misunderstood,
Abusing me (if he only would!)
Oh, Love,
Sweet love,
Why hide?
You vermin, you worm, you villain!
Come face,
Embrace
Your bride!
Wherever he is, I know he's still an angel,
My angel,
Where is he,
That dirty old man divine?
I love him,
I love him,
That lecherous, lewd, lascivious, loathsome, lying, lazy,
Dirty old man of mine!
Stand aside, everyone! I take large steps!
SOLDIERS
One, Two, One, Two . . .
MILES
We not only fought but we won, too!
SOLDIERS
One, Two, One, Two . . .
Left, Right, Left, Right . . .
MILES
There's none of the enemy left, Right?
SOLDIERS
Right! Left! . . . Uh . . . Ri . . . Uh . . . Left!
MILES
Halt!
PSEUDOLUS
Hail, Miles Gloriousus.
Welcome to my house, great captain.
Your bride awaits you.
MILES
My bride!
My bride! My bride!
I've come to claim my bride,
Come tenderly to crush her against my side!
Let haste be made,
I cannot be delayed!
There are lands to conquer,
Cities to loot
And people to degrade!
SOLDIERS
Look at those arms!
Look at that chest!
Look at them!
MILES
Not to mention the rest!
Even I am impressed.
My bride! My bride!
Come bring to me my bride!
My l*** for her no longer can be denied!
Convey the news.
I have no time to lose!
There are towns to plunder,
Temples to burn
And women to abuse!
SOLDIERS
Look at that foot!
Look at that heel!
Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!
MILES
I am my ideal!
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, slaughterer of thousands,
I, oppessor of the meek,
Subduer of the weak,
Degrader of the Greek,
Destroyer of the Turk,
Must hurry back to work!
MILES
COURTESANS
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, Paragon of virtues,
Him, Miles Gloriosus
Him, Paragon of virtues,
SOLDIERS
A man among men!
With sword and with pen!
MILES
I, in war the most admired,
In wit the most inspired,
In love the most desired,
In dress the best displayed,
I am a parade!
ALL
Him!
Him!
Him!
SOLDIERS
Look at those eyes,
Cunning and keen!
Look at the size of those thighs,
Like a mighty machine!
PSEUDOLUS
Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen!
I mean . . .
MILES
My bride! My bride!
Inform my lucky bride:
The fabled arms of Miles are open wide!
Make haste! Make haste!
I have no time to waste!
There are shrines I should be sacking,
Ribs I should be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide!
Bring me my bride!
SOLDIERS
Bring him his bride!
ALL
Brind him his bride!
12.That Dirty Old Man
DOMINA
For over thirty years,
I've cried myself to sleep,
a**ailed by doubts and fears
So great the gods themselves would weep!
The moment I am gone,
I wonder where he'll go.
In all your simple honesty,
You can't begin to know,
Ohhhh . . .
I want him,
I need him.
Where is he?
That dirty old man is here somewhere,
Cavorting with someone young and fair,
Disporting in every shameless whim,
Just wait till I get my hands on him!
I'll hold him,
Enfold him.
Where is he?
That dirty old man,
Where can he be?
Profaning our vows for all to see,
Complaining how he's misunderstood,
Abusing me (if he only would!)
Oh, Love,
Sweet love,
Why hide?
You vermin, you worm, you villain!
Come face,
Embrace
Your bride!
Wherever he is, I know he's still an angel,
My angel,
Where is he,
That dirty old man divine?
I love him,
I love him,
That lecherous, lewd, lascivious, loathsome, lying, lazy,
Dirty old man of mine!