THE BALLAD OF THROAT c**TURE - I wish I was in a band/Being a solo singer makes me blue/So if you wanna join my band/Here's what I can offer you/We'd be called throat c**ture and we'd start off small/We'd play in Scranton, Pennsylvania at the Shriner's Hall/We'd get discovered at a smokey bar/By some British guy named Nigel/Said he'll make us all a star/And we say "f*** that, man/We're not about the fame/We don't need to suck like Creed/Or someone just as lame/All across the land/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Nigel talks us in. Move to LA/In the studio be slavin' every night and every day/Until the label says we should replace/Our funny-looking bassist with a marketable face/And we say "f*** that, man/No, man, don't even try/Bob's been with us since we started/We don't mind his lazy eye/Or his disfigured hand/Cuz we're a rock n' roll band"/So Bob's replacement guy is called The Blade/He's always wearing leather and he's always getting laid/We share our vicodin. He shares cocaine/By the time the tour is started, no one's feeling any pain/The label named the tour, "The tour of doom"/But they kick all the teenagers out of the dressing room/These girls are old enough to throw bras on stage/But we're not supposed to love them because they're underage/And we say "f*** that, man/we're all about our people/I don't need to see her i.d./When I can clearly see her neeple/Plus she's nicely tanned/And we're a rock n' roll band"/I develop a heroin addiction/You develop an aversion to the sun/We both contract a syphilis affliction/Now tell me if that doesn't sound like fun/I'm always so c**ed up I'm missing shows/I get so wasted at the Grammy's I punch J-Lo in the nose/When we play Omaha we start a riot/But you get p***** when I throw Nigel through the window at the Hyatt/You come to my place to intervene/You find me hanging by the pool-house, shooting smack with Ben Vereen/You say I've gone down-hill since rags to riches/It used to be about the homies, now it's all about the b******/and I say "f*** you, man/You m***********' sellout/You were nothing when I found you at The Sidewalk/Get the hell out/Don't you know who I am?/Get the f*** out of my rock n' roll band!"/So if you wanna join my band/Do all the things that I have planned/Leave your number, cuz you can clearly see/That you oughta be/In a rock n' roll band with me.