PAUL:
Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?
Kids!
They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs!
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy, loafers!
And while we're on the subject
Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Kids!
But they still just do what they want to do!
Why can't they be like we were
Perfect in every way
What's the matter with kids today?
MAUREEN:
Kids!
I've tried to raise you the best I could
Kids!
All the things I've done were for your own good
Kids!
Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed
Working, slaving, scrimping, saving pennies
And livin' with your Father
Kids!
No one knows the burdens I've had to bear, and in my condition
Kids!
I'm a poor sick woman and does he care?
Ha! Go on, go on and kill me
That's what it's coming to
When a mother has kids like you!
PAUL: Kids!
MAUREEN: All the chicken soup that I made for you
d*** (Spoken): Mama, take it easy
PAUL: Kids!
MAUREEN: Now you throw mw out like a worn-out shoe
d*** (Spoken): Not in front of ev'rybody, Mom
d***: After all, I haven't been such an awful son
I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub
And don't I always phone you
MAUREEN: Kids! You can give your life to 'em night and day
PAUL: Kids! Then they go get married
MAUREEN (Spoken): MARRIED!
PAUL: And go away
d*** & Bryan (Spoken): Who's gettin' married?
MAUREEN & PAUL: Why do we have these children?
PAUL: Better to have a pet
(PAUL (Spoken): You know where you stand with a pet
MAUREEN: I never asked for nothin'
PAUL: Nothin' is what you'll get
MAUREEN & PAUL: What's the matter with kids to...
MAUREEN (Spoken): I tried, Lou, but I failed.
d*** (Spoken): Oh, you didn't, Mama, you didn't.
MAUREEN (Spoken): Don't try to pay me back, Sonny. I forgive ya.
So what if you're an ingrate? So long as you're happy.
d*** (Spoken): I don't wanna be happy.
MAUREEN (Spoken): Don't feel guilty.
Just make believe I'm an old used car.
Junk me. Leave me in the gutter.
d*** (Spoken): I'll never leave ya, never!
MAUREEN (Spoken): You heard him. You're a witness.
d*** (Spoken): I promise, Mama.
I never broke a promise to my Mama.
PAUL (Spoken): Good boy!
MAUREEN & PAUL: Why can't they be like Albert?
d***: Perfect in every way
BRYAN (Spoken): What's the matter with kids?
d*** (Spoken): Yeah, what's the matter with kids?
ALL: Nothing's the matter with kids today!
Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!
Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?
Kids!
They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs!
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy, loafers!
And while we're on the subject
Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue!
Kids!
But they still just do what they want to do!
Why can't they be like we were
Perfect in every way
What's the matter with kids today?
MAUREEN:
Kids!
I've tried to raise you the best I could
Kids!
All the things I've done were for your own good
Kids!
Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed
Working, slaving, scrimping, saving pennies
And livin' with your Father
Kids!
No one knows the burdens I've had to bear, and in my condition
Kids!
I'm a poor sick woman and does he care?
Ha! Go on, go on and kill me
That's what it's coming to
When a mother has kids like you!
PAUL: Kids!
MAUREEN: All the chicken soup that I made for you
d*** (Spoken): Mama, take it easy
PAUL: Kids!
MAUREEN: Now you throw mw out like a worn-out shoe
d*** (Spoken): Not in front of ev'rybody, Mom
d***: After all, I haven't been such an awful son
I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub
And don't I always phone you
MAUREEN: Kids! You can give your life to 'em night and day
PAUL: Kids! Then they go get married
MAUREEN (Spoken): MARRIED!
PAUL: And go away
d*** & Bryan (Spoken): Who's gettin' married?
MAUREEN & PAUL: Why do we have these children?
PAUL: Better to have a pet
(PAUL (Spoken): You know where you stand with a pet
MAUREEN: I never asked for nothin'
PAUL: Nothin' is what you'll get
MAUREEN & PAUL: What's the matter with kids to...
MAUREEN (Spoken): I tried, Lou, but I failed.
d*** (Spoken): Oh, you didn't, Mama, you didn't.
MAUREEN (Spoken): Don't try to pay me back, Sonny. I forgive ya.
So what if you're an ingrate? So long as you're happy.
d*** (Spoken): I don't wanna be happy.
MAUREEN (Spoken): Don't feel guilty.
Just make believe I'm an old used car.
Junk me. Leave me in the gutter.
d*** (Spoken): I'll never leave ya, never!
MAUREEN (Spoken): You heard him. You're a witness.
d*** (Spoken): I promise, Mama.
I never broke a promise to my Mama.
PAUL (Spoken): Good boy!
MAUREEN & PAUL: Why can't they be like Albert?
d***: Perfect in every way
BRYAN (Spoken): What's the matter with kids?
d*** (Spoken): Yeah, what's the matter with kids?
ALL: Nothing's the matter with kids today!