Penguin on the TV Lyrics

Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other

First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch the Telly-vision!
Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Aaaaw. (sound of agreement)

(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)

Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh

First Pepperpot: What's that on top of the telly-vision set?

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: It's been a long time there, now, has it?

First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?

Second Pepperpot: Standin'!

First Pepperpot: I can see that!

(pause)

First Pepperpot: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.

Second Pepperpot: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.

First Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.

Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
(pause)

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from next door.

Second Pepperpot: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!

First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!

(they both stop short, looking around)

Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?

First Pepperpot: I panicked.

Second Pepperpot: Oh.

First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.

Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?

First Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo it's from?!? I'm not Doctor b***** Bernofsky!!

Second Pepperpot: 'Oo's Doctor b***** Bernofsky?
First Pepperpot: He knows everything.

Second Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.

(pause)

Second Pepperpot: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.

First Pepperpot: They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"!! You can't stamp a huge lion "property of the zoo"!!

Second Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.

First Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?

Second Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.

First Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.

Second Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!

(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)

Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.

(the penguin explodes)

First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!

Man: It was an inspired guess. And now...