Hi, John, it's Mel from Megalophone
I've been listening to your tape for the 19th time
Oh that's another call - can I call you
Back when I was in a band we used to sound like this
And I loved your songs, they reminded me of myself
You sound like Air Supply meets Gwar
In a good way; Here's my other number
Can you wait for just a sec -
That's another call coming in
I'll get back to you -
Have my girl take your information
Hi, John, it's Guy from Groanophone
Heard some talk about the band and the way you sing
I really think it's great - Can we make a
Deal with me, call me a friend, we'll be a family
You're a talented individual
If you sign here on the dotted line ... that's good
And my nephew will be your producer
Yo, John, it's Bill from Biddybum
Word is travelling around that you've got some tunes
We will not be outbid -
Radio is in the bag, we own the chart
They will not add your song
Without checking with our promotion staff
Hi, John, it's Shep from Shinola
We should really do a lunch
Quite a tape indeed - my secretary flipped
You're a genius
My name is Johnny Virgil
(hammer hammer hammer hammer schmooze schmooze schmooze schmooze)
I play this here guitar
(patronize patronize pass the buck pass the buck)
I play it for myself
(wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle sell sell sell sell)
Can we speak candidly?
Got hands that move like clockwork
(hammer hammer hammer hammer schmooze schmooze schmooze schmooze)
Voice that carries far
(patronize patronize pass the buck pass the buck)
Got a love for nothing else
(wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle sell sell sell sell)
Let's be spontaneous!
Hi Jack, it's Al from A&R
You don't really need the band, they are in the way
We only wanted you anyway so
Dump the band, you are the face
You better wise up fast
This is not a game - we're professionals
Did I mention that you won't be out this year?
Cannot be helped - Go take a vacation
One more thing that you should know
We're all counting on you to be
Our new golden boy - Lots of lives and jobs
Hang in the balance here
Virgil, it's Pete your president
Calling to congratulate you on your fine choice
You must be very proud, so are we
I'm sure your music is terrif although I must admit
I don't listen to much of anything
Did I mention that I used to have a band?
I have to run, been great talking to you
Hi, Joe, about publicity
Thought about the photo op with the cripple
No, we need a sharper hook - like a scandal
Maybe you could rape a nun
Or better still a priest
Some androgeny could be interesting
Hi, Jim, it's Val from Video
Who decided on your hair?
Can we cut it off?
We'd like to see a buzz bin rotation
My name is Johnny Virgil
(weasel weasel weasel weasel lie lie lie lie)
I play this here guitar
(pacify pacify jack you off jack you off)
...aahh f*** it....
(shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle yawn yawn yawn)
Are you a priority?
My name is Johnny Virgil
(weasel weasel weasel weasel lie lie lie lie)
And I'm gonna be a star
(pacify pacify jack you off jack you off)
This is how it's done
(shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle yawn yawn yawn)
Do you want a hit of this?
I've been listening to your tape for the 19th time
Oh that's another call - can I call you
Back when I was in a band we used to sound like this
And I loved your songs, they reminded me of myself
You sound like Air Supply meets Gwar
In a good way; Here's my other number
Can you wait for just a sec -
That's another call coming in
I'll get back to you -
Have my girl take your information
Hi, John, it's Guy from Groanophone
Heard some talk about the band and the way you sing
I really think it's great - Can we make a
Deal with me, call me a friend, we'll be a family
You're a talented individual
If you sign here on the dotted line ... that's good
And my nephew will be your producer
Yo, John, it's Bill from Biddybum
Word is travelling around that you've got some tunes
We will not be outbid -
Radio is in the bag, we own the chart
They will not add your song
Without checking with our promotion staff
Hi, John, it's Shep from Shinola
We should really do a lunch
Quite a tape indeed - my secretary flipped
You're a genius
My name is Johnny Virgil
(hammer hammer hammer hammer schmooze schmooze schmooze schmooze)
I play this here guitar
(patronize patronize pass the buck pass the buck)
I play it for myself
(wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle sell sell sell sell)
Can we speak candidly?
Got hands that move like clockwork
(hammer hammer hammer hammer schmooze schmooze schmooze schmooze)
Voice that carries far
(patronize patronize pass the buck pass the buck)
Got a love for nothing else
(wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle sell sell sell sell)
Let's be spontaneous!
Hi Jack, it's Al from A&R
You don't really need the band, they are in the way
We only wanted you anyway so
Dump the band, you are the face
You better wise up fast
This is not a game - we're professionals
Did I mention that you won't be out this year?
Cannot be helped - Go take a vacation
One more thing that you should know
We're all counting on you to be
Our new golden boy - Lots of lives and jobs
Hang in the balance here
Virgil, it's Pete your president
Calling to congratulate you on your fine choice
You must be very proud, so are we
I'm sure your music is terrif although I must admit
I don't listen to much of anything
Did I mention that I used to have a band?
I have to run, been great talking to you
Hi, Joe, about publicity
Thought about the photo op with the cripple
No, we need a sharper hook - like a scandal
Maybe you could rape a nun
Or better still a priest
Some androgeny could be interesting
Hi, Jim, it's Val from Video
Who decided on your hair?
Can we cut it off?
We'd like to see a buzz bin rotation
My name is Johnny Virgil
(weasel weasel weasel weasel lie lie lie lie)
I play this here guitar
(pacify pacify jack you off jack you off)
...aahh f*** it....
(shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle yawn yawn yawn)
Are you a priority?
My name is Johnny Virgil
(weasel weasel weasel weasel lie lie lie lie)
And I'm gonna be a star
(pacify pacify jack you off jack you off)
This is how it's done
(shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle yawn yawn yawn)
Do you want a hit of this?