152
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:08,500
Erm, yeah, so, that was Jerusalem.
l was talking about organ grinders...
153
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,900
The Spanish lnquisition. They always
have a monkey with the organ.
154
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,200
(Humming cha-cha )
155
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,000
# l dream of... #
156
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:21,000
The monkey was
always the star, really.
157
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:25,000
The organ grinder - anyone
could do that, even a dead person.
158
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:29,300
As long as they were Steve Austin
and their arm was plugged in.
159
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:33,200
That should work but the monkey...
No music, the monkey...
160
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,900
# l love you
161
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,300
# l'm a monkey, whoa #
162
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,800
And Charlton Heston, he...
163
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:51,900
Yes... Yes, he's had a few run-ins
with monkeys, hasn't he?
164
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:57,400
Charlton Heston,
he did Planet Of The Apes, and er...
165
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,000
he not only played his role
but he was all the monkeys.
166
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000
That's what people don't know.
167
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:07,900
But anyway, he's head
of your National ''Riffle'' a**ociation.
168
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:12,100
Because you have a gun problem...
America's worked too well.
169
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:16,100
lt was a good idea - freedom...
The pursuit of freedom.
170
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:20,000
The pursuit of happiness?
Egalitarian...? l don't know.
171
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,000
Pursuit of something. You pursue
happiness. ''Come on, happiness.''
172
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,100
(lmitates shotgun )
173
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,500
''l found me some happiness,
l'm gonna shoot it now.
174
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,400
''You f****** happiness.
You come with me,
175
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,600
''with those big, f****** eyes.
176
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:42,400
''Oh, s***, l shot my mother.
177
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,100
''l thought it was a deer. Oh, dear.
178
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,100
''Well, put some antlers on her
179
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,700
''and do a sort of Woody Allen type
bit of stand-up.''
180
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,600
Yeah. So, er...
181
00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,100
Er, the gun control thing. We've got
no guns, Australia's got no guns.
182
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,900
You've got them all.
183
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:06,100
And you're the Roman Empire now,
there's no other superpower.
184
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:09,400
You're just out there
and we can't catch up.
185
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:12,100
The British Empire lost it by going,
186
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,500
(Upper class accent)
''Oh, do you think so?''
187
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,200
A lot.
188
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,700
And ''Oh, really? Have they?''
189
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:27,500
There was a lot of that
towards the end of the Empire.
190
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,300
''Are you sure?''
191
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:35,100
Erm...where...? Oh, Charlton Heston!
National Riffle...Rifle a**ociation.
192
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:38,200
Erm, and you have that saying,
what is it?
193
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:42,900
''Guns don't kill people, people
kill people,'' but monkeys do, too.
194
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,900
lf they've got a gun.
195
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:50,000
Without a gun, they're friendly.
With a gun, they're dangerous.
196
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,300
They wouldn't be lethal, just...
197
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,300
(lmitating firing handgun )
198
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:07,900
ln the '70s, all that signing work
was done with monkeys.
199
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:11,400
''Hey, you're a monkey?''
''Yeah, l'm a monkey.''
200
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:15,100
''What's it like being a monkey?''
''Not bad, not bad.
201
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,900
''What's it like being a human?''
202
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,900
''Pretty good.''
203
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,000
''Can l have a banana?''
204
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,900
''No, l have no bananas.
205
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,700
''On this day.''
206
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:36,500
''No bananas? Well, l'm not
f****** talking to you.''
207
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,200
''What's that mean?''
208
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,600
''l don't know. l just ad-libbed it.
209
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,700
''Give me a f****** banana.
210
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,700
''Give me a f****** banana.''
211
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,400
''All right.''
212
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,400
''All right,
what do you wanna know?''
213
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,400
''How does
the monkey community interact?''
214
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:01,300
''You know, in the usual way.
215
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,200
''Give me another banana.''
216
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:07,100
''No. No more bananas.''
217
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,900
''l've got a gun.''
218
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,500
''You didn't even sign that time.''
219
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,100
''l know.
220
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,900
''We've been able to talk.
221
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,700
''We've been talking for years
222
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:27,100
''but when you guys turn up, we go...''
(lmitates a monkey)
223
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,100
''When you p*** off, we go,
'He was a bit weird.'
224
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:32,500
''We have a posh British accent.
225
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,600
''What do you think, Samantha?''
''l don't really like the sound of him.''
226
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,700
''Monkey see, monkey do.'' ''Yes.''
227
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,700
''l think he's more monkey do.''
228
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:49,700
So what l thought is
you give a gun to a monkey
229
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,500
and let him into
Charlton Heston's house,
230
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,600
lock the doors
and then film it through the window.
231
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,700
- ( Scattered applause)
- And we'll find out...
232
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,500
Thank you, twelve people.
233
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:05,300
We'll find out if it is the gun...
They may have to change the line to,
234
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,500
''Guns don't kill people,
people kill people
235
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,100
''and monkeys do, too, brackets,
if they've got a gun, close brackets.''
236
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,300
And...
237
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,600
The monkey, he'll be just...
238
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,500
And you train him to reload
cos that's fair.
239
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,900
But don't train him the full FBl...
240
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,700
''On the floor.
241
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,800
''On the f****** floor!
242
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,600
''Have you got bananas?
243
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,200
''There.
244
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,300
''Charlton in the other room?
245
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:47,000
''You got bananas?
Are you Charlton? All right, mate.
246
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,800
''Thank you, ma'am.''
247
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,900
So, we'd watch that, yeah?
248
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,600
Tonight, Charlton Heston
with a monkey and a gun.
249
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,800
Film at eleven. You'd have to catch that.
250
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,600
Anyway, that's why John Paul ll...
251
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,800
apologised for
the Spanish lnquisition.
252
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:12,000
Because Spaniards,
they were stretched with the rack.
253
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,800
''l stretch you, Don Miguel.
Tell me. Confess.''
254
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:20,500
''What do you want me to confess?''
''Anything. What you got?''
255
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:25,000
That's why most people in Spain
are eight foot, nine foot tall.
256
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,000
lt's true! Anyone been to Spain? No.
So there you go.
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:08,500
Erm, yeah, so, that was Jerusalem.
l was talking about organ grinders...
153
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:12,900
The Spanish lnquisition. They always
have a monkey with the organ.
154
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,200
(Humming cha-cha )
155
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,000
# l dream of... #
156
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:21,000
The monkey was
always the star, really.
157
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:25,000
The organ grinder - anyone
could do that, even a dead person.
158
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:29,300
As long as they were Steve Austin
and their arm was plugged in.
159
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:33,200
That should work but the monkey...
No music, the monkey...
160
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,900
# l love you
161
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,300
# l'm a monkey, whoa #
162
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,800
And Charlton Heston, he...
163
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:51,900
Yes... Yes, he's had a few run-ins
with monkeys, hasn't he?
164
00:11:53,300 --> 00:11:57,400
Charlton Heston,
he did Planet Of The Apes, and er...
165
00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:01,000
he not only played his role
but he was all the monkeys.
166
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000
That's what people don't know.
167
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:07,900
But anyway, he's head
of your National ''Riffle'' a**ociation.
168
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:12,100
Because you have a gun problem...
America's worked too well.
169
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:16,100
lt was a good idea - freedom...
The pursuit of freedom.
170
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:20,000
The pursuit of happiness?
Egalitarian...? l don't know.
171
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:25,000
Pursuit of something. You pursue
happiness. ''Come on, happiness.''
172
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,100
(lmitates shotgun )
173
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,500
''l found me some happiness,
l'm gonna shoot it now.
174
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,400
''You f****** happiness.
You come with me,
175
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,600
''with those big, f****** eyes.
176
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:42,400
''Oh, s***, l shot my mother.
177
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,100
''l thought it was a deer. Oh, dear.
178
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:47,100
''Well, put some antlers on her
179
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,700
''and do a sort of Woody Allen type
bit of stand-up.''
180
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,600
Yeah. So, er...
181
00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,100
Er, the gun control thing. We've got
no guns, Australia's got no guns.
182
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:01,900
You've got them all.
183
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:06,100
And you're the Roman Empire now,
there's no other superpower.
184
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:09,400
You're just out there
and we can't catch up.
185
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:12,100
The British Empire lost it by going,
186
00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,500
(Upper class accent)
''Oh, do you think so?''
187
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,200
A lot.
188
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,700
And ''Oh, really? Have they?''
189
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:27,500
There was a lot of that
towards the end of the Empire.
190
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:29,300
''Are you sure?''
191
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:35,100
Erm...where...? Oh, Charlton Heston!
National Riffle...Rifle a**ociation.
192
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:38,200
Erm, and you have that saying,
what is it?
193
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:42,900
''Guns don't kill people, people
kill people,'' but monkeys do, too.
194
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,900
lf they've got a gun.
195
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:50,000
Without a gun, they're friendly.
With a gun, they're dangerous.
196
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:52,300
They wouldn't be lethal, just...
197
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,300
(lmitating firing handgun )
198
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:07,900
ln the '70s, all that signing work
was done with monkeys.
199
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:11,400
''Hey, you're a monkey?''
''Yeah, l'm a monkey.''
200
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:15,100
''What's it like being a monkey?''
''Not bad, not bad.
201
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,900
''What's it like being a human?''
202
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,900
''Pretty good.''
203
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,000
''Can l have a banana?''
204
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,900
''No, l have no bananas.
205
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,700
''On this day.''
206
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:36,500
''No bananas? Well, l'm not
f****** talking to you.''
207
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,200
''What's that mean?''
208
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,600
''l don't know. l just ad-libbed it.
209
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,700
''Give me a f****** banana.
210
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,700
''Give me a f****** banana.''
211
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,400
''All right.''
212
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,400
''All right,
what do you wanna know?''
213
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,400
''How does
the monkey community interact?''
214
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:01,300
''You know, in the usual way.
215
00:15:02,300 --> 00:15:04,200
''Give me another banana.''
216
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:07,100
''No. No more bananas.''
217
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,900
''l've got a gun.''
218
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,500
''You didn't even sign that time.''
219
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,100
''l know.
220
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,900
''We've been able to talk.
221
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,700
''We've been talking for years
222
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:27,100
''but when you guys turn up, we go...''
(lmitates a monkey)
223
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,100
''When you p*** off, we go,
'He was a bit weird.'
224
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:32,500
''We have a posh British accent.
225
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,600
''What do you think, Samantha?''
''l don't really like the sound of him.''
226
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,700
''Monkey see, monkey do.'' ''Yes.''
227
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,700
''l think he's more monkey do.''
228
00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:49,700
So what l thought is
you give a gun to a monkey
229
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,500
and let him into
Charlton Heston's house,
230
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,600
lock the doors
and then film it through the window.
231
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,700
- ( Scattered applause)
- And we'll find out...
232
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,500
Thank you, twelve people.
233
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:05,300
We'll find out if it is the gun...
They may have to change the line to,
234
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,500
''Guns don't kill people,
people kill people
235
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,100
''and monkeys do, too, brackets,
if they've got a gun, close brackets.''
236
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,300
And...
237
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,600
The monkey, he'll be just...
238
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:21,500
And you train him to reload
cos that's fair.
239
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,900
But don't train him the full FBl...
240
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,700
''On the floor.
241
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,800
''On the f****** floor!
242
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,600
''Have you got bananas?
243
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:39,200
''There.
244
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,300
''Charlton in the other room?
245
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:47,000
''You got bananas?
Are you Charlton? All right, mate.
246
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,800
''Thank you, ma'am.''
247
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,900
So, we'd watch that, yeah?
248
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,600
Tonight, Charlton Heston
with a monkey and a gun.
249
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,800
Film at eleven. You'd have to catch that.
250
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,600
Anyway, that's why John Paul ll...
251
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,800
apologised for
the Spanish lnquisition.
252
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:12,000
Because Spaniards,
they were stretched with the rack.
253
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,800
''l stretch you, Don Miguel.
Tell me. Confess.''
254
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:20,500
''What do you want me to confess?''
''Anything. What you got?''
255
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:25,000
That's why most people in Spain
are eight foot, nine foot tall.
256
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,000
lt's true! Anyone been to Spain? No.
So there you go.