Like the kid who wears a pork chop to get the dog to play
It's come to this, someone only listens if you pay
But as your therapist, I say, if you really want to change
Here is my prescription, though it may cause you some pain
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
You don't need a listening ear, you need a swift kick in the rear
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
Your diagnosis is quite clear, you need a swift kick in the rear
You don't even have to speak, I've heard it all before
You're impotent cause you did not get that bike when you were four
But you're the perfect candidate for the oldest cure in town
For curing jerks, it always works-- no no, don't sit down
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
I know the treatment sounds severe, but you need a swift kick in the rear
Oh, swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
I really am quite sincere, you need a swift kick in the rear
Therapy is not a toy, don't go if you don't need it
Your ego is already huge, It's not my job to feed it
The best treatments are not taught in universities
Your HMO won't pay for this; but relax, this one's on me (ha!)
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
Blow your nose, dry your tears, get a swift kick in the rear
Oh, swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
All your troubles disappear with a swift kick in the rear
But therapy is just two people talking to each other
One of whom only thinks that he's healthier than the other
Since neither has productive skills, I guess it serves some use
It gives one guy a living, the other an excuse!
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
There's two of us, it would appear, who need a swift kick in the rear
Oh, swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
You call this a real career? I need a swift kick in the rear
I need a swift kick in the rear
It's come to this, someone only listens if you pay
But as your therapist, I say, if you really want to change
Here is my prescription, though it may cause you some pain
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
You don't need a listening ear, you need a swift kick in the rear
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
Your diagnosis is quite clear, you need a swift kick in the rear
You don't even have to speak, I've heard it all before
You're impotent cause you did not get that bike when you were four
But you're the perfect candidate for the oldest cure in town
For curing jerks, it always works-- no no, don't sit down
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
I know the treatment sounds severe, but you need a swift kick in the rear
Oh, swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
I really am quite sincere, you need a swift kick in the rear
Therapy is not a toy, don't go if you don't need it
Your ego is already huge, It's not my job to feed it
The best treatments are not taught in universities
Your HMO won't pay for this; but relax, this one's on me (ha!)
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
Blow your nose, dry your tears, get a swift kick in the rear
Oh, swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear (ha!)
All your troubles disappear with a swift kick in the rear
But therapy is just two people talking to each other
One of whom only thinks that he's healthier than the other
Since neither has productive skills, I guess it serves some use
It gives one guy a living, the other an excuse!
Swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
There's two of us, it would appear, who need a swift kick in the rear
Oh, swift kick in the rear (ha!), swift kick in the rear
You call this a real career? I need a swift kick in the rear
I need a swift kick in the rear