Not Turgenjev, but Close Lyrics

I dress in the skin of
what is already dead
I take the on the part
which the sorroundings expect,
though they're unaware
of the anti-life inside
my thoughts circle around
the opposite of asphyxia,
because that's what I am
(I haven't been anything else
for a very long time)
it has been written a lot about
the overwhelming darkness,
but it didn't clearly state
the amount of insight it contains
it knows more than the light
it wreathes me and observes me from all angles
Maybe I am to be born now?
I look upon that day with fear and horror

I have reconciled myself
with my thoughts and visions
it took ages, but now it's over
I can accept the obvious,
because it's what you see
I can live with the hatred and self-contempt,
but I cannot survive the disgust and nausea of others
if they were to experience me from inside,
beneath the unasphyxiated exterior
I look upon that day with fear and horror
the day when suicide becomes inevitable
because it will arrive. That, I know.