It's hard to know how much weight to give to these episodes, what permanent allegiances were made or broken, or
whether they stand out only in the light of subsequent events. Whenever he spoke to me about it, Gramps would insist
that the family left Texas in part because of their discomfort with such racism. Toot would be more circumspect; once,
when we were alone, she told me that they had moved from Texas only because Gramps wasn't doing particularly well
on his job, and because a friend in Seattle had promised him something better. According to her, the word racism
wasn't even in their vocabulary back then. "Your grandfather and I just figured we should treat people decently, Bar.
That's all."
She's wise that way, my grandmother, suspicious of overwrought sentiments or overblown claims, content with
common sense. Which is why I tend to trust her account of events; it corresponds to what I know about my grandfather,
his tendency to rewrite his history to conform with the image he wished for himself.
And yet I don't entirely dismiss Gramps's recollection of events as a convenient bit of puffery, another act of white
revisionism. I can't, precisely because I know how strongly Gramps believed in his fictions, how badly he wanted them
to be true, even if he didn't always know how to make them so. After Texas I suspect that black people became a part
of these fictions of his, the narrative that worked its way through his dreams. The condition of the black race, their pain,
their wounds, would in his mind become merged with his own: the absent father and the hint of scandal, a mother who
had gone away, the cruelty of other children, the realization that he was no fair-haired boy-that he looked like a "wop."
Racism was part of that past, his instincts told him, part of convention and respectability and status, the smirks and
whispers and gossip that had kept him on the outside looking in.
Those instincts count for something, I think; for many white people of my grandparents' generation and background,
the instincts ran in an opposite direction, the direction of the mob. And although Gramps's relationship with my mother
was already strained by the time they reached Hawaii-she would never quite forgive his instability and often-violent
temper and would grow ashamed of his crude, ham-fisted manners-it was this desire of his to obliterate the past, this
confidence in the possibility of remaking the world from whole cloth, that proved to be his most lasting patrimony.
Whether Gramps realized it or not, the sight of his daughter with a black man offered at some deep unexplored level a
window into his own heart.
Not that such self-knowledge, even if accessible, would have made my mother's engagement any easier for him to
swallow. In fact, how and when the marriage occurred remains a bit murky, a bill of particulars that I've never quite
had the courage to explore. There's no record of a real wedding, a cake, a ring, a giving away of the bride. No families
were in attendance; it's not even clear that people back in Kansas were fully informed. Just a small civil ceremony, a
justice of the peace. The whole thing seems so fragile in retrospect, so haphazard. And perhaps that's how my
grandparents intended it to be, a trial that would pass, just a matter of time, so long as they maintained a stiff upper lip
and didn't do anything drastic.
If so, they miscalculated not only my mother's quiet determination but also the sway of their own emotions. First the
baby arrived, eight pounds, two ounces, with ten toes and ten fingers and hungry for food. What in the heck were they
supposed to do?
Then time and place began to conspire, transforming potential misfortune into something tolerable, even a source of
pride. Sharing a few beers with my father, Gramps might listen to his new son-in-law sound off about politics or the
economy, about far-off places like Whitehall or the Kremlin, and imagine himself seeing into the future. He would
begin to read the newspapers more carefully, finding early reports of America's newfound integrationist creed, and
decide in his mind that the world was shrinking, sympathies changing; that the family from Wichita had in fact moved
to the forefront of Kennedy's New Frontier and Dr. King's magnificent dream. How could America send men into
s***e and still keep its black citizens in bondage? One of my earliest memories is of sitting on my grandfather's
shoulders as the astronauts from one of the Apollo missions arrived at Hickam Air Force Base after a successful
splashdown. I remember the astronauts, in aviator glasses, as being far away, barely visible through the portal of an
isolation chamber. But Gramps would always swear that one of the astronauts waved just at me and that I waved back.
It was part of the story he told himself. With his black son-in-law and his brown grandson, Gramps had entered the
s***e age.
And what better port for setting off on this new adventure than Hawaii, the Union's newest member? Even now, with
the state's population quadrupled, with Waikiki jammed wall to wall with fast-food emporiums and p****graphic video
stores and subdivisions marching relentlessly into every fold of green hill, I can retrace the first steps I took as a child
and be stunned by the beauty of the islands. The trembling blue plane of the Pacific. The moss-covered cliffs and the
cool rush of Manoa Falls, with its ginger blossoms and high canopies filled with the sound of invisible birds. The North
Shore's thunderous waves, crumbling as if in a slow-motion reel. The shadows off Pali's peaks; the sultry, scented air.
whether they stand out only in the light of subsequent events. Whenever he spoke to me about it, Gramps would insist
that the family left Texas in part because of their discomfort with such racism. Toot would be more circumspect; once,
when we were alone, she told me that they had moved from Texas only because Gramps wasn't doing particularly well
on his job, and because a friend in Seattle had promised him something better. According to her, the word racism
wasn't even in their vocabulary back then. "Your grandfather and I just figured we should treat people decently, Bar.
That's all."
She's wise that way, my grandmother, suspicious of overwrought sentiments or overblown claims, content with
common sense. Which is why I tend to trust her account of events; it corresponds to what I know about my grandfather,
his tendency to rewrite his history to conform with the image he wished for himself.
And yet I don't entirely dismiss Gramps's recollection of events as a convenient bit of puffery, another act of white
revisionism. I can't, precisely because I know how strongly Gramps believed in his fictions, how badly he wanted them
to be true, even if he didn't always know how to make them so. After Texas I suspect that black people became a part
of these fictions of his, the narrative that worked its way through his dreams. The condition of the black race, their pain,
their wounds, would in his mind become merged with his own: the absent father and the hint of scandal, a mother who
had gone away, the cruelty of other children, the realization that he was no fair-haired boy-that he looked like a "wop."
Racism was part of that past, his instincts told him, part of convention and respectability and status, the smirks and
whispers and gossip that had kept him on the outside looking in.
Those instincts count for something, I think; for many white people of my grandparents' generation and background,
the instincts ran in an opposite direction, the direction of the mob. And although Gramps's relationship with my mother
was already strained by the time they reached Hawaii-she would never quite forgive his instability and often-violent
temper and would grow ashamed of his crude, ham-fisted manners-it was this desire of his to obliterate the past, this
confidence in the possibility of remaking the world from whole cloth, that proved to be his most lasting patrimony.
Whether Gramps realized it or not, the sight of his daughter with a black man offered at some deep unexplored level a
window into his own heart.
Not that such self-knowledge, even if accessible, would have made my mother's engagement any easier for him to
swallow. In fact, how and when the marriage occurred remains a bit murky, a bill of particulars that I've never quite
had the courage to explore. There's no record of a real wedding, a cake, a ring, a giving away of the bride. No families
were in attendance; it's not even clear that people back in Kansas were fully informed. Just a small civil ceremony, a
justice of the peace. The whole thing seems so fragile in retrospect, so haphazard. And perhaps that's how my
grandparents intended it to be, a trial that would pass, just a matter of time, so long as they maintained a stiff upper lip
and didn't do anything drastic.
If so, they miscalculated not only my mother's quiet determination but also the sway of their own emotions. First the
baby arrived, eight pounds, two ounces, with ten toes and ten fingers and hungry for food. What in the heck were they
supposed to do?
Then time and place began to conspire, transforming potential misfortune into something tolerable, even a source of
pride. Sharing a few beers with my father, Gramps might listen to his new son-in-law sound off about politics or the
economy, about far-off places like Whitehall or the Kremlin, and imagine himself seeing into the future. He would
begin to read the newspapers more carefully, finding early reports of America's newfound integrationist creed, and
decide in his mind that the world was shrinking, sympathies changing; that the family from Wichita had in fact moved
to the forefront of Kennedy's New Frontier and Dr. King's magnificent dream. How could America send men into
s***e and still keep its black citizens in bondage? One of my earliest memories is of sitting on my grandfather's
shoulders as the astronauts from one of the Apollo missions arrived at Hickam Air Force Base after a successful
splashdown. I remember the astronauts, in aviator glasses, as being far away, barely visible through the portal of an
isolation chamber. But Gramps would always swear that one of the astronauts waved just at me and that I waved back.
It was part of the story he told himself. With his black son-in-law and his brown grandson, Gramps had entered the
s***e age.
And what better port for setting off on this new adventure than Hawaii, the Union's newest member? Even now, with
the state's population quadrupled, with Waikiki jammed wall to wall with fast-food emporiums and p****graphic video
stores and subdivisions marching relentlessly into every fold of green hill, I can retrace the first steps I took as a child
and be stunned by the beauty of the islands. The trembling blue plane of the Pacific. The moss-covered cliffs and the
cool rush of Manoa Falls, with its ginger blossoms and high canopies filled with the sound of invisible birds. The North
Shore's thunderous waves, crumbling as if in a slow-motion reel. The shadows off Pali's peaks; the sultry, scented air.