If you're always stealing goodies from a big department store,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If your pocket's full of little things you never owned before,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If somebody says "Good morning," and politely tips his hat,
And you frown and say, "I wonder what he really meant by that,
If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack,
You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back,
If you're at the Philharmonic and you start to do the twist,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
(You need an a***yst, you need an a***yst,
We really must insist that you see an a***yst.)
If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse,
But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house,
If you have a brand new raincoat, and of it you're very fond,
In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blonde,
If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
(You need an a***yst, you need an a***yst,
We really must insist that you see an a***yst.)
If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte,
If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art,
If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes,
And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis Blues,
Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed,
Go kiss an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
(Go kiss an a***yst, go kiss an a***yst,
We really must insist that you kiss an a***yst.)
If you're always having arguments when no one else is there,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed,
And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red,
If you eat those little prizes, and you save the Crackerjacks,
If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax,
You need an a***yst,
(You need) I need (he needs) we need
Everybody needs an a***yst.
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If your pocket's full of little things you never owned before,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If somebody says "Good morning," and politely tips his hat,
And you frown and say, "I wonder what he really meant by that,
If you're walking down the sidewalk and you won't step on a crack,
You're afraid if you step on a crack, you'll break your mother's back,
If you're at the Philharmonic and you start to do the twist,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
(You need an a***yst, you need an a***yst,
We really must insist that you see an a***yst.)
If you're freezing or you're sweating from imaginary ills,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If it takes an IBM machine to classify your pills,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If you tiptoe into bed and you're as quiet as a mouse,
But the bed you tiptoe into is in someone else's house,
If you have a brand new raincoat, and of it you're very fond,
In fact, you'd rather be alone with it than with a blonde,
If you wear your wristwatch on your feet and stockings on your wrist,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
(You need an a***yst, you need an a***yst,
We really must insist that you see an a***yst.)
If you're always tearing paper into teeny weeny bits,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If you've got a secret closet full of pomegranate pits,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If they ask you what your name is and you answer Bonaparte,
If you dig those daffy doodles that are known as modern art,
If you're walking down the street and then you stop to tie your shoes,
And you tie them to each other as you hum Saint Louis Blues,
Or if you're forty-six years old and never have been kissed,
Go kiss an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
(Go kiss an a***yst, go kiss an a***yst,
We really must insist that you kiss an a***yst.)
If you're always having arguments when no one else is there,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
And whenever you are angry, if you kick your teddy bear,
You need an a***yst, a psychoanalyst.
If you dream you've got a purple dragon next to you in bed,
And you wake up and your dragon isn't purple, it is red,
If you eat those little prizes, and you save the Crackerjacks,
If you really think they're ever gonna cut the income tax,
You need an a***yst,
(You need) I need (he needs) we need
Everybody needs an a***yst.