When I am up the mountain
Looking down and back on this last fiasco
I will wonder when exactly it happened
When precisely I should have known I could not rely on you
Should have never entrusted your cupped palm
With the jittery and injured hummingbird of my heart
She
Not actively seeking purchase or sanctuary
Instead solitary and healing inside the flesh aviary of me
But your urgent reassurance felt like the softest nest on earth
Felt like it was worth the risk
You held your hand out and she leapt and landed
Now she is starving
Shivering
In your back pocket where you shoved her
Crumbled under a flyer for an event you never planned on attending
And
I want to take her back under my wing
Place her in the rightful cage of my ribs
Where I can protect her
When I look back
I will pinpoint the singular moment
I should have known to run
Backwards and away
Left arm folded across the heaving of my breathing
When was it that you proved yourself to be certifiably unworthy?
I should know better than to bend to you
Who glorified my significance
I wanted to believe that you loved me essentially so badly
That I would withstand all signs to the contrary
Tables turning so fast I get dizzy just listening to your rhetoric
And resistance to my intuition
I know not to ever trust men with agendas
No matter how flattering the packaging
You
Wrapped in angel light
My fluttering heart
Susceptible to your cooing calls
No matter you can"t handle me
No matter I know not to expect your answer
No matter I rest a**ured you will disappoint like resurrection sugar
Only hallow dissatisfaction
When I act down
Bowing my contrato
Down and out of the chorus of voices clamoring for your attention
It will be nearly imperceptible
I am practiced in the art of not mattering
One day I will bend time and s***e like rice paper
Origami out the notch on the timeline where I should have watched for stop signs
But not today
Today I will rest inside the fatigue and shame of offering up too much to someone undeserving and afraid
I should have known
I
Will wait
Wait for my heart to rediscover the scent of my fingerprints and follow it
When I catch wind of her beating wings
I will spirit her back inside of me
Looking down and back on this last fiasco
I will wonder when exactly it happened
When precisely I should have known I could not rely on you
Should have never entrusted your cupped palm
With the jittery and injured hummingbird of my heart
She
Not actively seeking purchase or sanctuary
Instead solitary and healing inside the flesh aviary of me
But your urgent reassurance felt like the softest nest on earth
Felt like it was worth the risk
You held your hand out and she leapt and landed
Now she is starving
Shivering
In your back pocket where you shoved her
Crumbled under a flyer for an event you never planned on attending
And
I want to take her back under my wing
Place her in the rightful cage of my ribs
Where I can protect her
When I look back
I will pinpoint the singular moment
I should have known to run
Backwards and away
Left arm folded across the heaving of my breathing
When was it that you proved yourself to be certifiably unworthy?
I should know better than to bend to you
Who glorified my significance
I wanted to believe that you loved me essentially so badly
That I would withstand all signs to the contrary
Tables turning so fast I get dizzy just listening to your rhetoric
And resistance to my intuition
I know not to ever trust men with agendas
No matter how flattering the packaging
You
Wrapped in angel light
My fluttering heart
Susceptible to your cooing calls
No matter you can"t handle me
No matter I know not to expect your answer
No matter I rest a**ured you will disappoint like resurrection sugar
Only hallow dissatisfaction
When I act down
Bowing my contrato
Down and out of the chorus of voices clamoring for your attention
It will be nearly imperceptible
I am practiced in the art of not mattering
One day I will bend time and s***e like rice paper
Origami out the notch on the timeline where I should have watched for stop signs
But not today
Today I will rest inside the fatigue and shame of offering up too much to someone undeserving and afraid
I should have known
I
Will wait
Wait for my heart to rediscover the scent of my fingerprints and follow it
When I catch wind of her beating wings
I will spirit her back inside of me