Yorkshire
[A northern street. Dad is marching home. We see his
house. A stork flies above it, and drops a baby down
the chimney.]
DAD
Oh b***** hell.
[Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink.
With a cry a new-born baby, complete with umbilical
cord, drops from between her legs onto the floor.]
MOTHER
Get that would you, Deirdre...
GIRL
All right, Mum.
[The girl takes the baby. Mum carries on.]
[Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly.
Inside there are at least forty children, of various
ages, packed into the living room.]
MOTHER
[with tray] Whose teatime is it?
SCORES OF VOICES
Me, mum...
MOTHER
Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew,
Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice,
Dominique, and Sasha... it's your bedtime!
CHILDREN
[all together] Oh, Mum!
MOTHER
Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon,
Amanda...
DAD
Wait...
[They all listen.]
I've got something to tell the whole family.
[All stop... A buzz of excitement.]
MOTHER
[to her nearest son] Quick... go and get the others in,
Gordon!
[Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter
the room. They squash in at the back as best they can.]
DAD
The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're
destitute.
[Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'...
from around the room.]
I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific
experiments. [The children protest with heart-rending
pleas.] No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame
the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of
those little rubber things... Oh they've done some
wonderful things in their time, they preserved the
might and majesty, even the mystery of the Church of
Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible
oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one
of the little rubber things on the end of my c*** we
wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
LITTLE BOY
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?
DAD
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest
growing religion in the world, my boy... You see, we
believe... well, let me put it like this...
[A northern street. Dad is marching home. We see his
house. A stork flies above it, and drops a baby down
the chimney.]
DAD
Oh b***** hell.
[Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink.
With a cry a new-born baby, complete with umbilical
cord, drops from between her legs onto the floor.]
MOTHER
Get that would you, Deirdre...
GIRL
All right, Mum.
[The girl takes the baby. Mum carries on.]
[Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly.
Inside there are at least forty children, of various
ages, packed into the living room.]
MOTHER
[with tray] Whose teatime is it?
SCORES OF VOICES
Me, mum...
MOTHER
Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew,
Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice,
Dominique, and Sasha... it's your bedtime!
CHILDREN
[all together] Oh, Mum!
MOTHER
Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon,
Amanda...
DAD
Wait...
[They all listen.]
I've got something to tell the whole family.
[All stop... A buzz of excitement.]
MOTHER
[to her nearest son] Quick... go and get the others in,
Gordon!
[Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter
the room. They squash in at the back as best they can.]
DAD
The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're
destitute.
[Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'...
from around the room.]
I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific
experiments. [The children protest with heart-rending
pleas.] No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame
the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of
those little rubber things... Oh they've done some
wonderful things in their time, they preserved the
might and majesty, even the mystery of the Church of
Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the indivisible
oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one
of the little rubber things on the end of my c*** we
wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
LITTLE BOY
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?
DAD
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest
growing religion in the world, my boy... You see, we
believe... well, let me put it like this...